Then there was Roger. A.K.A. Christian Grey. (Only not as cute)
This was an experience I won’t soon forget.
I matched with this guy on Bumble, and after a few messages, we determined we had a lot in common.
Our birthdays were only a few days apart.
We both loved music, even the same TYPES of music.
We spoke to each other in songs and song lyrics, and he even seemed to enjoy having deep, meaningful conversations. Via text and Facebook messenger at least.
Then we talked on the phone for the first time.
Within five minutes of speaking with him, he started to scold me about my choices of profile pictures.
Excuse me? What?
He said that I should not post a photo of myself with my son because it would deter men from swiping on my profile.
You mean.. Lie, right?
Not be honest about what my life is all about?
His opinion was, don’t lie, but give men a chance to get to know me before letting them know I have a son.
Um yeah. Not so much buddy. My life is ABOUT my son, and I date around HIS schedule, not the other way around. I believe in full disclosure and want the truth to be out there from the beginning.
The second thing he mentioned was the fact that in one of my photos, you could see a little cleavage. And when I say, “a little,” I mean A LITTLE. I HAVE no cleavage. All of my “extra” is in my backside, not my topside. Not to mention I dress extremely conservative. The fact that there was any glimpse of anything was a total freak happening.
But regardless of how much or how little, he proceeded to tell me how it would give guys the wrong impression of me, and that it made me come across as “easy.”
I can’t even tell you how passionately I disagreed with this man. How DARE he lecture me right off the bat? I could/should have just hung up and left it alone, but my passion for debate took over and I couldn’t drop it. I AM a Scorpio after all.
It all ended with us just agreeing to disagree.
After that phone conversation, I pretty much stopped communicating with him, because. Well BECAUSE, see above.
However, he continued texting me with sweet apologies, acknowledged that he came on a little too strong, and asked if we could have a “make-up” call so that he could redeem himself.
So, against my better judgement, I agreed.
That conversation went great, and he DID redeem himself.
After that, we continued to have really great, deep, meaningful conversations. Many hours worth. It felt like we were really getting to know each other. We laughed a lot and shared a lot. So I thought.
The timing of our first meeting was a little difficult because I was in the middle of a crazy time when my son was getting married, and had an extremely busy schedule.
It was about six weeks of talking before we actually met in person.
One of the things we had in common was playing Texas Hold ‘em. I love the game and found out that he did as well. I was really excited at the prospect of having a new poker partner.
We decided to meet for dinner and then go play the tournament at the sports bar where I typically play on Saturday night.
We met at the restaurant, and my first impression was that he didn’t quite look exactly how I expected, but still handsome, smelled good, dressed nicely, hugged me warmly, and held the doors open for me. So far so good.
Then……. Well. To sum it up, the rest went kind of like this……
Found out that he was not truthful in his profile about his age and that he was actually 12 years older than what I thought. Which explains why he looked a “little” different. “Different” meaning “older.”
Found out that he TRULY believes the Earth is flat.
Yes. You read that correctly. Let that sink in for a minute.
He asked me if I believed in polyamory, because that’s the type of relationship he wanted.
Excuse me. What? You couldn’t have mentioned that before now? I always make it clear from the beginning what it is I’m looking for. Not a hook up. Monogamy. LTR.
Then came the big topic. As if the Earth being flat and Polyamory wasn’t enough.
He asked how much I was into BDSM.
I can’t even tell you how badly I wanted to crawl under the table and slither out the front door at that point. He gave his passionate argument that women should just submit to the control of a man and how they would feel so much less stressed about life if they didn’t have to worry about having any control over it.
Excuse me? Am I understanding this correctly?
Yes. Yes I was.
He was a Dominant, seeking a Submissive.
I felt like I was in a dream, as if this wasn’t really happening. I mean, how could I have not known this about this before now?
He even ordered my food for me. I corrected him and told the waitress that I wanted something different instead. He then corrected me again and told her, “No she will have…..”
Now, I’m not one for conflict, and I was okay eating what he ordered so I let it go, but at this point, I was starting to feel a little anxious. Interestingly enough though, I never really felt unsafe with him. However, safe or not, as he told me about his past relationships and about how they broke up because the women never really “learned their place,” I knew I just needed to find a way to respectfully get out of this.
As the dinner started winding down, I was starting to feel anxious about the time. I didn’t want to be late for poker. Priorities right?
Then he says, “What if I told you I would prefer to go somewhere, grab a coffee or a drink and talk, instead of poker, what would you say?”
I said. “I would say, I want to go play poker.”
Then he says in a condescending tone, “So what you are telling me is that this date is NOT about getting to know each other is it?”
And I just timidly said, “I just really want us to do this. It is something that I love and I am looking forward to it.”
What I was really thinking was that I needed to get my courage up to just tell this guy to shove it, but I couldn’t seem to muster it. The second best option was to continue to be kind, continue to talk to him while being completely honest, and stay in an environment with lots of people. The fact that our next stop would be a place where everyone knew me was even better.
He gave me an unapproving look, paid the check and we got up to leave.
We then drove to the sports bar where I play poker.
Then guess what? DUDE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW THE GAME!!
That, in and of itself, is ALMOST as insulting as everything else I found out about the guy. I mean, don’t insult the institution of Texas Hold ‘Em by telling me you know the game, when you don’t even know how to deal the cards!
At one point he leaned over, whispered in my ear and said,
Him: “Is PDA not allowed in here?”
Him: “PDA. I mean, I don’t see you trying to hold my hand, or touch my knee. Hell, you aren’t touching me at all.”
Gulp. Deep breath.
Me: “Look. It’s just that you and I are on different pages. Totally different planets, actually. Looking for totally different things. I’m sorry.”
Him: “But I thought things were going so well?!”
Me: “I’m sorry.”
But what I THOUGHT was.. “Why, because I didn’t THROAT PUNCH you when you didn’t let me order my own food?”
After that, he looked at me and pushed all of his chips in on the next hand.
He lost, got up from the table, smiled at me and said, “Talk to you later.”
At the end of the day he was actually pretty kind. He never got cross with me even though I was disagreeing with his stance on pretty much everything, and I was never fearful. Anxious maybe, but not fearful.
We did end up talking a few more times after that.
He asked me politely how things could have been better between us and I just stressed the importance of full disclosure and honesty.
Don’t wait until after you’ve spent countless hours talking with someone and are face-to-face with them, to tell them you are seeking a submissive. That needs to come up EARLY!!!
He thanked me for the words of wisdom and for being so kind. Then we were off to live our separate lives.
Looking back on this experience, I’m not sure what I could have done differently.
I asked the right questions.
Shared the right information.
Gave it enough time before meeting in person.
He just wasn’t honest. There is no substitution for genuine, honest, full disclosure.