Love me Tinder

Ahhh.. Yes.  Tinder.

Going into this process, I knew about as much about Tinder as I knew about Gindr. Which was very little.

I had heard about it over and over, and even had a close coworker that was on there.

How bad can it be right?

Turns out, it is this magical land of opportunity.  A land where it seems all norms, at least MY norms, are questioned and bent in a manner that just doesn’t seem to make sense.  To me at least.  The land of the “hookup.”

What exactly is a hookup anyway?  Had not ever really thought about it until I started seeing the phrase over and over in profiles.  “Not looking for a hookup.” or “Just looking for a hookup.”    Doesn’t “hookup” mean, just to meet? Go out?  Spend time with someone?  Isn’t that why we are all on the dating app to start with?

 Apparently not.

Now that I know what it means, I know that it is NOT what I’m looking for.  So is everyone on Tinder looking for that thing?  The “hookup?”

As I sifted and swiped, I noticed that a large majority of guys put no information at all on their profiles.  They strictly rely on their photos to get your attention.  How smug is that? They were immediately a “nope.”

I also found many guys that were married. 

Wait…. What?  MARRIED? 

The boldness of that!  Married men looking for a hookup is a HUGE reason why I have trust issues with men to start with.  Is commitment not sacred anymore?  Surely, this is the exception and not the rule.  Right?

Then I came across COUPLES looking for a third person.  Wow! I mean, I have known swingers in my life, but to put it out there so proudly. 

Then there were actually a few profiles that were informative, polite, and even mentioned looking for an LTR, not a hookup.

So those are the ones I swiped on.

What I found was interesting. 

After texting, talking, and learning.  I did have a few dates from Tinder.  And don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to blame the app, but looking back on my experiences, I never had a good result from any of the individuals I met from this particular platform.  

Here are a couple of the highlights:

The crazy cat guy:

This was the first guy I really talked and spent time with after the magical Match guy.

Again, the bar was really high.

He was handsome; however, his Tinder profile was a work headshot that was about 15 years old.  So when I did meet him, and he looked MUCH older than his profile, and I was a little taken aback, but I still thought he was handsome. Even WITHOUT hair.  So, I didn’t let it deter me.

The first few times we talked about meeting didn’t happen because of his sick cat.  I am, above anything else an animal lover and I totally understand the devastating nature of losing a beloved animal.  But he seemed to use it as leverage, to gain sympathy and to cancel dates.

When we finally did meet, it was a really sweet sushi dinner.  He sat next to each other, held my hand, and man, did he ever lay it on THICK! 

How beautiful I was. 

How sweet I was.  

How he loved my smile, my touch, my eyes.  ALL OF IT. 

He knew how to woo a woman for sure.

After a couple of dates, I agreed to let him make dinner for me at his apartment.

This was the first time I got a true sense of his bullshit.

I met him at his apartment, which was horribly filthy and smelled even worse.  Then, the night was consumed with him trying to get me in his bed, and we never even ate dinner.

I left that night starving, but with my moral compass intact.

The following conversations with him was consumed by him explaining to me how he was emotionally unavailable, and that he typically connects with someone physically first, then the emotional part comes later. What he really meant to say was that the way to his heart was through his penis.

I did however believe there was a chance to break through his hardened heart.  Don’t we always think that?  Aren’t they ALL just like Christian Grey.  It took the unconditional love of a strong woman to break through his darkness.  I thought I could be this for Mike! 

So, I continued to see him, talk to him, and be there for him. Unconditionally, without ever having any of my own emotional needs met.

He would call after a hard day at work and share his stress.  That’s a good sign right?  He talked about his heartache from his divorce and he shared with me how bad it hurt to lose his cat. That had to mean he was opening up to me and I was breaking though, wearing him down!

I even talked to my therapist about him, sharing with her some of the things he shared with me, and she believed, as I did, that he was showing some vulnerability.  Bingo!  Now we’re getting somewhere.

My magic must be working!

So, I continued getting closer to him, and starting planning the “night.”  You know, “the night.” When it finally happens.  I felt like I was close to him emotionally at this point, to sleep with him.

I planned on him spending the weekend with me and even started putting together an iTunes playlist for that moment. 

Yes, I know.  I understand NOW that a playLIST is unreasonable.  It’s more likely to be a song, if that much.  Maybe two at best.  But hey, as long as those 2 minutes are magical, who cares, right?

Finally, the night came.  Music was playing, candles were lit, sexy nightie was on, everything was great.  Until the actual moment came and he couldn’t follow through.

He made up some bullshit story about having a bad week, was stressed, didn’t feel well, and needed to go home.

So, he left.

Assuming as I always do, that it was me. He was unattracted to me, once the clothes were off, I felt rejected and disgusting.

I cried.

And cried.

And then he ghosted me.

What a chicken shit! 

It took me a while to shake “Mike.”  But I did.  And unfortunately, found more of the same.

The Song guy.  Another “Mike.”

What is it with the name Mike?

This guy seemed really sweet and we spent a lot of time on the phone getting to know each other.

He started sending me really cheesy recordings of himself singing made up songs about me.

He couldn’t carry a tune, but it was so incredibly endearing.

He sent other songs, as well.  COUNTRY songs.  Songs that spoke to my heart.  Telling me he meant every lyric. Music to me is a love language and the way to my heart, is through music. Well, that’s not the ONLY way, but it gets you REALLY far.

We went on several dates, and after each date the flowery offerings increased.

Sweet voicemails.  More songs.  More bad singing.

At the end of one date he looked me in the eyes and said, “I want to do whatever it takes to be your guy.”

How freaking sweet is that?

He asked me on several occasions what it would take for me to be able to take “the next step.” 

COMMITMENT

I told him, just time.  But honestly, I was considering it with him. I was starting to think I could have a future with this guy.

Until one Sunday morning I texted him and got no response. Which was extremely unusual for him.  

I didn’t hear from him until 2 days later, when I got a message that simply said…. “Look Gigi, we’ve had a few dates.  We’ve had fun.  But I’m just not ready to be with one person right now.  It’s been nice getting to know you.  Good luck on your journey.”

At this point, I’m just at a loss.

How do you trust anything that anybody says?  When a guy is laying it on so thick, and then turns it off so quickly, how do you learn to navigate that?

All I can say is…

First, stay away from guys named Mike. and second?

When I figure it out, I will let you know.

For now.  I will continue to seek the male version of “The Unicorn,” A.K.A. “Prince Charming.”

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