The first, first, of a first

Soon after I subscribed I got a like that would change my life.

Now mind you, I am not going to bore you with the details of every guy I’ve talked to, or every date I have been on, but there are certainly a few that are noteworthy, scary, inspirational, funny, or just plain odd.

While this story may be a bit long, I believe it’s one that is very relatable.  I’m sure most of you reading this have had an experience similar to mine, maybe early on in your online dating journey, and I think it’s always a good thing to understand that we’re not alone, and more importantly, not crazy.  If my blog does anything at all, I hope it helps you realize, you (we) are not crazy, even though this experience can oftentimes make us feel that way.

This is about not only the first guy I actually talked to on the phone, but also the first guy I had a date with, and, let’s just say experienced “other” firsts with as well.

One of the great things about is the amount of information you can put in your profile.  As little or as much as you want, not limited by character count.  

I find myself drawn more to guys that actually take the time to think about what they say.  I feel that it shows a certain amount of sincerity and seriousness that you don’t get from guys just looking for the “hook-up.”  One of my mantras is, “No info, no swipe.”

As I read this gentleman’s profile, I was drawn by how eloquently he spoke, described who he was, and what he was looking for.

He was creative, talented, very handsome, in close proximity, and we had a lot in common.  Not to mention he is an artist and I was extremely enamored by his work.

I sent him a well composed, thoughtful message, and waited.

And waited…

And waited…

I started to think I probably said way too much, as I have a tendency to do, and I started to think he just wasn’t going to respond.

Then finally about 2 days later, it was there.

The most heart-felt, warm, thought-out response a girl could ask for.

He had taken the time to read my profile, read my note, and respond accordingly.

With but only a few words, I was hooked, and had to know more.

After the 2nd or 3rd message within the app, we exchanged phone numbers and I began texting with him. That led to the first of many phone calls lasting hours at a time, but only felt like mere minutes.  

I was so drawn to him and could tell the feeling was mutual.  Problem was, he was going out of town the very next day, and would be gone for a week.  A WHOLE WEEK!

Not only that, but his travel destination would involve a cabin in the woods, with no cell signal. 

First of all, I couldn’t believe that I just started talking to this dreamy dude, only to have it abruptly come to an end like that.  THE INJUSTICE OF IT ALL! 

But second of all, I thought, “No cell signal?  A cabin in the woods? Who does that?”

Maybe he’s not as smart as I thought he was, or even worse, maybe it wasn’t the truth at all. 

Maybe he was just telling me that because he was done talking with me. Enter in, insecurities and the anxious attachment style.

He did however stay in close contact during his travel journey, but I knew that feeling of euphoria was going to end soon, or at least come to a pause.

Then out of the blue, I received an unexpected alert from Facebook messenger.

The cabin had WIFI! 

Unbeknownst to me, FB Messenger allowed you to video chat AND audio chat via any internet connection!

And just that like, once again, all was right with the world.

The week that followed was filled with hours upon hours of talking and video chatting.  We shared some extremely intimate stories about our lives, families, and emotions.  I felt such an intense connection that at times seemed surreal.

I wasn’t sleeping, couldn’t focus at work, and felt like a love-struck teenager.

I couldn’t stop talking about him.

My coworkers knew about him.  My closest cousins knew about him.

The day finally came for him to return home, and for us to finally, FINALLY meet.

The first date.

It felt like so much of my past, my present, and my future, depended on this moment.  Not necessarily my “future” with him, but my romantic future in general.

He was the first man I had been interested in, talked to, and thought about, in years.

How would it feel? Would it be like I imagined?  Would I chicken out?

The anticipation was off the charts and I felt myself forgetting to breathe at times.

On the day of the date, I ended up leaving work early that day so that I could have plenty of time to get ready.  Everything had to be as perfect as it could possibly be.

However, as luck would have it, being the middle of July in Texas, it was the hottest day of the year.

The high reached 106 that day, and was 102 at game time.  Err, I mean “date” time.

Add the heat to my already nervous self, and I was a big ole sweat ball.  SO attractive.

I was shaking.  I was sweating.  I was barely breathing.  Poor guy! 

Of course, he arrived a few minutes early, as I have come to learn is his MO.

Once I was able to lock eyes with him, and actually feel his arms wrapped around me, I could breathe again.  It was a strange, yet familiar feeling of peace.  Not sure how it was familiar, given that I had never met him before, but still felt comfortable.  Maybe it was familiar from the many hours we had spent on video calls leading up to this moment, or perhaps it was familiar because our souls were meant to be with each other.

But whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes…….. DAMNIT!  There I go again. 

We had dinner, talked, and we laughed.  It was as if we had known each other for years.  I felt extremely comfortable, and yet felt a different feeling of anxiety creeping in.  I couldn’t explain it, or understand it, but it was rearing its ugly head.

We went back to my house and just spent time in each other’s space, again, talking and laughing.  I laid my head on his chest, and gain felt like I couldn’t breathe.  I again felt such a sense of belonging, and yet such anxiety at the same time.

You could pretty much cut the air with a knife. 

Then, the kiss happened. The first real kiss I had felt in many years. 

It was magical. 

I would love to tell you that I was able to keep my moral compass on track and DIDN’T actually sleep with someone on the first date….   But… this blog is about brutal honesty. Right?

It had been years since I had been with anyone, and about 12 years since I had been with a guy.

I got lost.

I forgot about my physical insecurities.

I forgot about safety.

I forgot about how I would appear to him as far as being “that type of girl.”

And I most definitely forgot about my moral compass.

It was as if I was having an out-of-body experience.

I found myself intoxicated and completely without my wits. 

I also felt extremely awkward.

I felt like I had shared WAY too much of myself and in a way in which I had no clue what I was doing.  At the risk of sounding like Madonna, I felt, well…

He however, was kind, compassionate, patient, gentle, and loving.  He held me close, cuddled, and treated me with the utmost respect.  He stayed the night, had coffee with me the next morning, talked with me while I got ready for work, and just made me feel special.  He had no idea I was feeling such turmoil inside. 

It is hard for me to find words to describe how I felt in the moments and days immediately after this encounter.

It was almost as if all my fears, insecurities, walls, mistrust, anxiety, lust, love, hope, and memories (good and bad), all came crashing in on me at one time.

I wasn’t sure what to do with it.

So what did I do?  I ran.

Sort of.

I interpreted my fear, anxiety, and awkwardness as a lack of chemistry, and I told him as much.  It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.  I felt like I was letting him down, and if you know anything at all about being an empath, you know how hard this is.

I knew once I told him how I was feeling, or not feeling in this instance, I risked losing him, and that wasn’t something I wanted either.  I honestly wasn’t sure what I wanted, but as much as I was sure I would sound like a lunatic, I had to be honest with him.  

His reaction?

He thanked me.

He thanked me for my kindness, my thoughtfulness, and my honesty.

He is truly one of the kindest humans I have ever met during my time on this planet.

The moral of my story, and the reason I made you endure the entire thing is this….

This man has become one of my closest friends and confidantes.

I realize now after being on this dating journey for almost a year, just how blessed I am to have had him be my first real experience with a man.

As I endure bad dates and bad conversations, I remind myself of the bar that was set.  The one HE set.

His respectfulness, his kindness, his compassion, and everything that he has meant to me, reminds me on a daily basis that I don’t have to settle.

We still date.  We still kiss. We still value each other greatly. 

Had I had some of my other experiences first, as opposed to this one, I am not sure I would have the strength and faith to continue this journey. 

But thanks to him.  I do.

Blessings come to us in so many forms.  Keep your eyes open.

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